We can’t tell you what exactly is right or wrong for you, but we can bring you closer to understanding see this article what you may want. If you can’t shake off the thought that you need to get divorced but are scared to act on that thought, follow these 10 steps to gain clarity over what your future course of action should be:
- Is there a way to save the marriage?
Your marriage may be a shambles for whatever reason. That is why you’re even considering breaking things off with the person you’ve spent years with. But it did not happen in a day. If you have noticed a pattern of your spouse’s financial irresponsibility or infidelity or simply the fact that you don’t like each other anymore, is divorce the only answer to it?
If thinking about ending things with your spouse, think again: Have you voiced your concerns to your spouse? Have you told them how certain behaviors/actions impact your mental health? Have you considered seeking professional help or going into therapy as a couple? Here’s what can happen if you don’t consider these things:
Guilt: Filing for a divorce before trying to fix your marriage will leave you riddled with an unshakable sense of guilt that will come to haunt you eventually
Regret: If your life after the divorce does not turn out to be as good as you had imagined, then you will have to live with the regret of letting go of such an important part of your life for as long as you shall breathe
No closure: You may get stuck in a loop of wanting them and then leaving them again. Worse, you may want to get back with them and they might not want you back anymore, which can take a huge toll on your self-esteem and mental health
If you want to divorce this person but are terribly scared to take the leap, it’s a good opportunity to remind yourself that ending a marriage should ALWAYS be the last recourse. So before ringing up that divorce coach, think long and hard about what you want.
- Want to get a divorce? Talk to someone
“My husband is thinking about leaving me and I too think it’s the best way forward for us.” “I’m scared to tell my husband I want a divorce.” “I want a divorce but my wife can’t support herself, does that mean I should stay in an unhappy marriage?” Many confusing thoughts like these can cloud your judgment when you’re at the cusp of dissolving a marriage. One of the different ways of tackling this is by confiding in somebody.
Talk to someone rational: Try opening up about your problems to someone who can take an unbiased stand
Consider therapy: Talking to a therapist can help you sort through the confusing maze of your own thoughts and gain clarity on what it is you really want
Have a chat with your friends: The simplest way is to talk to your closest friends. Be careful who you go looking for advice from because not everyone is equipped to offer you advice free of bias or judgment
“Your best recourse is to seek an opinion of an expert who can lay out the pros and cons of divorce, as they are. You need this pragmatic, dispassionate view to make an informed choice,” advises Siddhartha.
- Think of your children, if you have any
“My wife and I had decided to go through with the divorce and were already living separately for almost 6 months. Then, one day, I heard my 7-year-old son asking his cousin, “Do you know what to do if your parents want to get divorced? I’m scared my dad would forget all about me.” Then, we noticed he was developing a stammering problem. To save him from all the agony, we decided to give the marriage another chance,” says Bob, a marketing professional who lives in New York.
The ugliness of custody battles as well as the emotional and mental trauma that children go through when their parents get divorced must be factored in and duly deliberated upon. “Divorce doesn’t just dissolve a marriage but also tears a family apart. There is a strong correlation between family background and such problems as crime, abuse and neglect, and addictions. Divorce impedes learning in children by disrupting productive study patterns as children are forced to move between domiciles. It also increases anxiety and risk of depression in both parents and children,” says Siddhartha.
- Start saving up
Should I get a divorce, you ask? Well, only if you are prepared to deal with not just the emotional turmoil but also the financial strain it brings along. Apart from the legal proceedings and hiring a lawyer – both of which require a sizable sum of money – you also need to start saving up money to sustain yourself after separating from your spouse. You might even have to get a financial advisor to sort things out.
Do you intend to move out of the home you share with your spouse? If so, you need to find a place to live. Also, liquid cash for day-to-day sustenance. Opening up a savings account just for post-divorce use is a good way to begin your life after the divorce. Siddhartha says, “If you see clear signs you are ready for divorce after your long-term marriage, it is vital to start consolidating your finances as soon as possible. For this, you need clarity on your and your spouse’s financial standing. This includes debts, assets, savings, and income. “
- Start looking for a divorce lawyer
Not all lawyers will offer the same advice. Even if you have a family lawyer, it is a good thing to try to keep them out of the loop for this one. If you’re still contemplating divorce and want to consult a lawyer just to know what your options are, bringing in your family lawyer can unnecessarily set off alarm bells.
If you’re still on the fence about this decision and grappling with dilemmas like “I’m scared to tell my husband that I think I want a divorce” or “I think I want a divorce but my wife can’t support herself, how should I handle this situation?”, it’s best to seek advice from a professional who isn’t linked to your family in any way.
Take your time to find a divorce lawyer: Do exhaustive research on your own and zero in on three to four lawyers whose outlook best aligns with your needs and goals. For instance, if you want a definite win and don’t care if your spouse is hurt at the end of the long haul, you may be better off choosing someone with a good track record of wins
Expensive is not always the best: Hiring expensive lawyers might not be the best decision, especially if the divorce is likely to result in a severe money crunch
Don’t think just about winning: It is important to remember that you have to think of your life after divorce. Spending money on an expensive lawyer can leave you penniless. It’s best to choose a divorce lawyer suited to your financial, legal, and emotional needs
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